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This is a hard time of year for me. And I always forget that until I've been sitting, inexplicably melancholy for weeks wondering what's up. January, February, March, April... the first 3rd of the year tends to be when the really "bad stuff" seems to come into my life.
When I was 12, my brother got sick in February... and died in March. When I was 22, my mom got sick in January, and died in April. When I was 28 and finally found a job I really loved, the company shut down in April. Historically, back in the days when I believed suicide was an option, it was February.. or April that I twas most drawn to it as an out.
I've moved beyond so much of that... but for the last few weeks, I've felt those clouds hovering, waiting to strike. I have no desire to end my life these days, I no longer consider that an option-- it holds no temptation for me and hasn't for some time. But I was surprised (as always) to realize that the pull of late winter's clouds still had its claws in me.
This quote seems appropriate today, at this time of year in my emotional life. A reminder that just because it has always been this way-- doesn't mean it has to always be. I am at such a marvelous point in my own consciousness.. where for the first time ever really, I control my destiny. I control, for the most part, where my story goes from here.
I choose, or at least... strive, to rewrite these months. To edit out these clouds, these sorrows, these reminders. I choose, or at least strive, to recognize that it is time to end my mourning period. That it is time to leave behind these clouds and find the rainbow that lays beyond their darkness.
And so, I pick up my pen, and my book, and I rewrite the path of these months. And maybe this year it won't be enough to change it. But next year, I'll be even stronger. I'll be even wiser. I'll be even more aware, and ready, and determined. And at some point I will hold this pen, and my past will not. Just because that's how it's always been, doesn't mean that's how it always will be.
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