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I wasn't really sure what to do today for my photo. I went flipping through all my sources for quotes and inspiration and just kept... coming up empty. So instead of trying to be inspired by my day which was fairly calm really, I decided to remind myself of something that is an ongoing battle for me.
I've talked before about the tapes that play in my head... the ones that say I'm not good enough. The ones that say I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough. The tapes that I used to listen to exclusively to the point that I couldn't see anything but proof that they were right.
And I've made a lot of progress with this, I've come a long way towards not just turning off those tapes but rewriting them completely. There are a lot of areas of my life though where these tapes still play, where I am still working on turning off that imaginary person who says that I'm not enough.
This quote is especially appropriate to my journey from start to finish really. Because whether it was my mother's voice in my head... or just... that part of me that was mired in guilt from abuse, there has always been an imaginary person inside, standing between myself and my own heart. I find it so easy to love other people, to care for and about others-- even those I barely know... or may never even have met in person. But that constant barrage of not-enoughness has been a barrier to loving myself for too long. And for so many years it was so loud and so persistent that I saw NO good in myself at all. I saw nothing lovable when I looked in the mirror, saw nothing lovable in myself at all.
Thankfully, with the help of an amazing SuperTherapist, I'm starting to see myself differently, starting to think about myself differently. And yet even now, after so much progress-- I still have these moments when I don't see the amazing woman I am, the amazing woman I'm becoming. I still have moments where all I hear is that invisible person... doubting, fearing, denigrating. And tonight I remind myself again that that person, that voice is not right.
I am remarkable. I am incredibly talented and passionate and yes... even... beautiful.
What I have to do is stop listening to that invisible person and LOVE the real person that I am. Exactly as I am.
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