Dear Me: Day 84
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The image I originally photographed for this had the figure completely detailed, shirt, sleeves, neck, chin, eyes, everything. And it was ok. But I went to wash my hand and (because I used the stamping markers again) this is what was left.
And it seemed more appropriate to the message somehow, the undefined body, lacking detail, lacking definition, lacking delineation.
This is a concept that, if you've read through this project at all, comes up quite a bit for me. Not so much the heart part, I'm pretty good with that. But the body part. The body part is basically a daily struggle for me still. I keep looking for the block, trying to find what it is that keeps me from going around this, from pushing through this. Supertherapist is convinced that there's something there holding me back.
Back in December when we sort of ... broke through the "not good enough" block I think we may both have been surprised that it didn't topple more dominoes for me. Which is not to negate the progress I've made emotionally. I am in a completely different place than I was before December, and it's amazing. But the bodywork still continues to elude me.
There is part of me that wants so much to conquer my self-acceptance, the acceptance and love of my body... the body I have now. To accept my body the way I'm learning to accept and love my heart.
My new (well, i've had it for about a month probably) therapy book is called "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies." I've put off reading it. I don't know why. First it was because I was already reading something else. But I finished that book and started a completely different one... so that excuse is out. I decided tonight though... I'm going to start reading it.
I'm tired of the way I feel about myself. Tired of hating what I see in the mirror. Tired of being dissatisfied and unhappy with my physical presence-- especially when I'm so happy with so much else in my life right now. So today I start reading. And maybe before I'm done I'll finally topple this domino, or at least figure out what it is that keeps me from being able to move forward.
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