Dear Me: Day 89
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Tonight I realized something important. Vital. I realized that the reason I can't move past my body issues, the reason I can't seem to ever fully conquer my social anxiety, the reason I can't ever seem to convince myself that I deserve to be LOVED... is because I still live in fear of him.
I spent years of my life padding myself with food and fat, making myself invisible, making myself undesirable. And I did that, deep down, because I wanted to make myself undesirable to HIM.
But it's more than that. When i started thinking about it, really thinking about it I realized it roots to my anxiety too. By all accounts before he did what he did, I was vivacious, gregarious, outgoing. I was constantly seeking out new people to befriend, handing out hugs and hellos without a care in the world.
But for as long as *I* can remember... I've been painfully shy, horrifyingly anxious of new people, new experiences. Which makes sense when you take into account that I don't really remember much at all before him.
And the more I thought about it, the clearer it became. If I really want to finish what I've started, if I really want to learn to love myself, if I really want to make the important, healthy choices that will turn my life around completely-- I have to stop being afraid. I have to stop being afraid of HIM.
And I have to let him go.
I need to forgive him. Because unless I do, he will always be the one with the power over me... over my life.
Forgiving him doesn't change what he did. It doesn't excuse it. What it does is set ME free. It breaks the bond that holds me to him, that holds me to my fear and my pain.
It means that my body will once again belong to ME and not to my memories.
I don't expect to feel this overwhelming shift overnight. But if I have to say it 100 times a day I will.
I forgive him.
If I have to say it every day for 100 days I will.
I forgive him.
I forgive him, so that I can finally be free.
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