Dear Me: Day 120
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In case you can't see it well enough, the quote reads,
"The Individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by teh tribe.
If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes Frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the priviledge [sic] of owning yourself."
I didn't realize until now that privilege is misspelled. Oh well. 120 days and my first spelling error-- i can live with that.
The part of this quote that really spoke to me was the last bit, "No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
Sometimes, in my day to day life I feel like I belong to my job. Especially with the summer approaching and knowing that my free time is about to get so so limited-- it's hard to feel like I still have ownership of my own life. Even down to my name, if you can believe that.
When I started at my current job, there was already a Sarah on staff in my department. Because we're not a large department, it would have been to confusing (understandably) for me to go by my first name. They asked if I had a nickname, or a middle name I could use. And for some reason, instead of reaching for my long-used nickname, Daisy, I decided to go by Cate (since it is the second-half of all my photography marketing). A little over a year later, and I'm surprised to no end at how much being called Cate for 40-50 hours a week jars me.
I had dinner with friends the other night and almost felt this... out-of-body moment when my friends called me Sarah. I realized just how much of my life I spend being... not me. And it's more than just being dissatisfied being stuck in an office all week and on the occasional Saturday. I fee like, as open as I can be at work, I still can't be 100% me. And I know that's the way it is everywhere... there's a certain amount of assimilation that you have to endure to work in an office environment.
But it would be nice at least, to be able to use my own name. The Sarah who was there when I started didn't last much past the summer. And we have a new girl now... Sarah... who didn't have to change her name. Because when she started-- there was no Sarah there-- only a Cate.
Someday it won't matter. Someday I'll be out of an office and the only name I'll answer to is Mine. I'll once again have ownership of my life, of my hours, of my days... of my name. Because nothing is worth more than having ownership of your own life.
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