Dear Me: Day 147
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I don't know what happened. I don't. I went to get my chest xray. I went to order replacement lenses for my glasses (finally). And while I was at the mall... I ...
I bought a dress. Now that may not seem too amazing except I don't really wear dresses. I bought one a few years ago and wore it once or twice but never really felt comfortable in it. And even so, that was really a pretty basic black dress.
The dress I bought today... is purple. It's got a low-cut neckline, and it ends about mid-calf. it is, officially, the "prettiest" thing I think I've owned since I was a little girl. I got it home, and put it on and wore it around the house for awhile, trying to get used to it. I left the tags on. I hung it on the rack right by my bedroom door and stared at it, trying to decide if I should take it back.
And then I put it back on. I set up my little corner studio, I set up my camera and I took some photos.
I smiled and rolled my eyes and attempted to look coy. I felt ridiculous. And then I looked at the photos and realized that I wasn't feeling ridiculous at all... I was feeling pretty.
I felt pretty. I felt beautiful. I didn't feel fat. I didn't feel ugly. I didn't feel unworthy.
I twirled. I smoothed the fabric down. I took more pictures.
And I took the tags out.
I promised friends I'd wear it to a concert on Friday.
When I put on that dress, I look in the mirror and I see things that I haven't seen before. I see a pretty girl. I see a bright smile, and shining eyes. I see determination and light and passion.
I like the way I feel when I'm in that dress. Which isn't to say I don't still have moments... when I notice my belly, when i can't see my toes, when I realize people can see my flabby arms, my stretch marks. But then I think about the way the color looks against my skin, the way my eyes get bright. And I go right back to feeling beautiful again.
So, I bought a dress.
And that seems to have made all the difference.
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