Dear Me: Day 150
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To a certain extent, this goes along with last night's letter. I said (briefly) that I feel like I've made a shift.
I used to panic. Freak out. Self-destruct. 99% of my thoughts were either negative, self-damning, or self-loathing. Any setback was a complete setback. Throughout my days I fought with that voice in my head that rang constantly with "not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, dedicated enough, kind enough, generous enough, talented enough." And day in and day out I believed it.
I fell over and over again for the same old negativity, and in turn-- ended up in the same desperate cycle of anxiety and depression and self-destruction.
But I realized yesterday, and continued to marvel today... that things really have changed in my head. Things have changed in me.
I won't say I'm 100% better. I won't say I don't still fight that voice, that I don't still have moments when "stupid, fat, lazy, ugly" don't float through my mind. But Instead of letting them roam free... I stop them. I spit them out, I replace them. I create new tapes, new repetitions, new mantras.
I have taken my 59,999 negative, limited thoughts, and replaced them... replaced a lot of them with something else. And maybe some of my recent health issues have helped with this. Because it forced me to see how good things HAVE been recently. It forced me to see how much better things had gotten before I stopped feeling well.
But it's ok. Because I'm starting to feel better (thankfully). I know what IS wrong and that it can (and will) be fixed. And in the meantime, where it really matters, the shift has been made. My thoughts don't control ME anymore, Mostly now, I control them.
And I choose to believe better about myself than I used to. I choose to fight that quiet, ever shrinking voice that wants to say I'm not enough. I choose to believe that voice is wrong. And one by one by one, I take back the 59,999 thoughts that used to have power over me. I choose better.
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