Dear Me: Day 160
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So I kind of punked out today. I thought all night that I was going to wear my dress to work today, but when I got up to get ready, I chickened out. After work though, I realized that I need to be confident. I need to be willing to be a little exposed. Physically and emotionally. What is the point of the good things I'm feeling, the good changes I've made if I don't let them actually CHANGE me?
So tonight after work, I went shopping again. I bought 2 more dresses. I tried on even more. And I allowed myself to revel in feeling... cute. In feeling pretty. I looked in the mirror and instead of hearing the same old angry tapes filed with self-loathing and not-enoughs... I looked and said-- "how lovely."
One small change. A dress. Just one single dress. And it allowed me to rewind, erase, re-record the tapes that I've been fighting against for so many years.
And I know it's not a perfect, or complete process. But with one small change, another has come through, and another, and no doubt others will follow. I will allow myself to be changed by all of this, by all of this work, all of this effort, all of this therapy and yes-- even by the shopping as silly as it may seem to some.
Because it's not about shopping. It's not about adding to my closet. It's about changing the way I SEE myself. About changing the way I THINK about myself. Changing the way my brain works when it comes to the subject of Me.
I'm changing. And I like it.
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