Dear Me: Day 173
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I realized today that my life exists in a completely different place than I ever thought it would. Seriously. I got done with work today and sang along with the radio on the way home until I stopped myself in shock (myself... not the car) and realized that I am actually... happy. I have a stable, steady, decently paying job. I have friends and loved ones all around me. I have coworkers that I enjoy and respect and am even happy to hang with after hours. I have a project to keep me creatively motivated. I have passion and talent and creativity.
How did I get here? Who is this person?
it's so amazing to look at my life right now and see all this goodness, all the things I would have missed if i'd given up all those times I wanted to, all those times I tried to.
I stil have moments, but their so fleeting, so transient. I'm still processing some of my anger about my abuse, I'm still working through some of those old ghosts. But for the most part, 95% of the time, I'm able now to step back and look at my life and realize how amazing and wonderful it is.
And I wonder sometimes how I got to this place? To this contentment. It still feels so new to me, this feeling of... normalcy. Because that's what it is really. I feel like the way I feel most days must be what "normal" people feel every day. I know there's really no such thing as normal... but this-- this is, I think, what the rest of the regular world must feel every day. it's so strange to come to each day from a place of strength and calm and determination.
I worked hard to get to this place. That's how I got here. I gave myself permission to feel and process all of the things that I pushed aside for so many years. I made smarter choices, I took better paths, I recognized beauty and joy not just in the world around me, but in myself.
And that has made the difference. THAT is how I got here. With faith and love and the support of the people who love me (and the sheer force of nature that is a truly good therapist). I created this life. Me. I stopped surrendering to my pain and confusion and fear and I created this life for myself.
I changed things.
How amazing is that?
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