Dear Me: Day 175
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I went to a party today and was astonished at the ease I felt. I thought about how it used to be, how nervous and scared I always was. How worthless I felt, how insignificant. I didn't really talk to people, because I couldn't fathom having anything of value to add.
Today though, I talked and laughed and joked. I played. I felt welcomed and wanted and valuable. And that wasn't because the way I was being treated had changed, it's because instead of constantly building walls with my own insecurities... I started building bridges instead.
And how rich my life is becoming because of that. Because I started to tear down all my walls and rebuild, to turn my barriers into pathways. I'm still doing a lot of... learn-as-I-go when it comes to social interaction. It's not just insecurity, but my sheer lack of social experience that has held me back too. And I say stupid things. I misjudge silences, and still project my own self-judgements on other people too. But every time I go out, every time I reach out, it gets better, easier, and more enjoyable.
The truth is, at heart, I am an introvert. Truly. I'm just as happy at home in peace and quiet reading a book, and extended social interaction, or having to be in the midst of a large group of people... is exhausting to me. But while I'm IN the moment at least, now I can enjoy myself and not spend every minute wondering if I'm good enough.
No more walls.
Instead, I focus on bridges.
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