Dear Me: Day 176
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I mentioned a few days ago that I still have moments. Seconds or minutes, or dreams where I can remember the kind of headspace that once defined my daily life. Last night was one of those nights. I woke up angry today. Just... Angry. And there seemed to be no rhyme or reason for it... I was just enraged from the moment I woke up.
I realized as I went through my day, trying to cheer myself up that there was a reason I woke up angry. Although rare these days, there are nights when I still dream about those days, so long ago. Those days when he did what he did. I dream about him, or about what he did, or about how I felt. And after those dreams, I wake up angry, or hurt, or scared, or hurting.
It used to be that I would just... shove those moments aside, try to pretend it hadn't happened, that the dreams hadn't happened, that none of it had happened. And I think all that's done is made it harder to move past. All the avoidance has done is made it harder to conquer.
I saw this quote today as I was looking for inspiration and it was so perfect-- except that I don't necessarily agree completely. Because honestly, I think-- no, I KNOW, that someday i WILL get over it. But to do that, I do have to let myself feel. So today, I let myself soak in my anger a little bit. I yelled, I stamped, I had a little tantrum. I cursed him, cursed those days, cursed those summers, those moments, his hands.
I let the anger sweep me away for a little bit. And when I was done, I was done. I felt better. I felt stronger. I think there will be more moments like that. But instead of running from them, I'm going to just... feel them out. And someday they'll stop. Someday I'll wake up and realize that I've finally lost him. Truly and forever. I will get over it.
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