Dear Me: Day 184
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Day 184/365 June 20th, 2011
I used to give myself very little credit-- for anything. But one of the benefits of this project, and of my year of therapy is that I have had the opportunity to look back at my life with very different eyes. I look back at my life and recognize- for the first time it seems, how much strength and courage it really took to get this far.
There were so many times when I wanted, even tried, to give up completely. But for so many reasons (some of them my choice, some of them... twists of grace) I carried on. And even though I can see that a lot of the situations that caused me the most pain and the most heartache and the most emotional trauma were often made most miserable only because of how corkscrewed my thinking was, I still survived.
And there were a lot of moments in my life that I survived by courage alone, drawing on wells of strength and determination that I failed to see even as I was utilizing them.
The event that started this project had to do with my abuse. And in December, I did the most courageous thing I had ever done-- I spoke. I talked about what happened, about how I felt, about what he did, about the aftermath. And it was the first time I'd really sat and told anyone about everything that happened. I was terrified. I'm not sure why really-- I guess I expected that once the words were out I would finally confirm my warped suspicion that it really was my fault.
I know better of course. Now. In truth I knew better then too-- but when you've carried such weight of shame and guilt for so long, it seems strange to think you might have been wrong.
But those confessions (if you will) were the first real step to the peace that I live in (most of the time) today. Today was a typical Summer Monday... which means that it started with butterflies and nerves. As stressful as summers are at this job, even my near-constant calm gets ruffled when Monday mornings roll around. And ok, a Monday Morning at work doesn't necessarily require courage per-se... but this morning I happened to see this quote as I was checking tumblr and it actually put me back at ease.
And, I made it through the day unscathed yet again. Peace and calm intact. I've paid my courage dues I think, a lot of them anyway. So maybe that means it's just... my turn to be at peace.
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