Dear Me: Day 186
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Day 186/365 June 22nd, 2011
It's funny sometimes, to think about the steps that took me to the place I am today. Not physically, but emotionally. Looking back I can see all the progress, see the major shifts in my thinking, in my feeling, in the way I approach my life. But as the changes were actually happening-- they didn't seem like big changes.
In the moment, it seemed as though I woke up one morning and had made some huge leap. Then a seeming lack of change for months... to wake up another morning and suddenly feel as though I'd made another huge leap. And again... nothing for months and then... waking up feeling altered. Better. Changed.
Looking back I can see the actual work that I did. And it wasn't easy, or sudden. It was small steps, small changes, day by day... changes that seemed invisible as they were happening. I can recognize now though, how each day built on the last, each small change led to another... so that every few months another tape got rewritten completely, so that every few months, some major shift could be seen in my thinking, so that every few months the way I approached the world altered completely.
I'm proud of that. Proud that something that once seemed so impossible has happened. Proud that they didn't just happen, but that the transitions seemed to come so seemlessly. I think that's the way real lasting change must come about... quietly and daily... not without effort of course, but in such a way that by the time you realize the change has been made-- it's so engrained it can't go back the way it was. I won't ever be the girl i was before all this started. I can't be. I know too much, I feel too differently. Everything's different now.
And I'm so glad.
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