Dear Me: Day 187
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Day 187/365 June 23rd, 2011
The way I figure it, I was 9 when I crashed down. And it may have been the year he stopped abusing me, but at the same time... it was the year that the abuse really took the heaviest toll on me for some reason. I was never the same after that year. That's when I started carrying the full weight of shame and fear and anxiety and ... worthlessness that stayed with me for the next 20 years.
I don't know about it taking 10 times as long. But it took all of 3 years (at most) for me to be destroyed, and 20 to finally pull it all together again. Except I don't know that that's true either. Because really... it's only in the last year-- the last 7 months actually, that I've truly built myself back up. I feel sometimes like I rebuilt my heart as I rewrote some of the tapes that ran in my head. Created a new home within myself so I could start over. The point isn't about how long it took. The point is that I gave up on myself a long time ago. The point is that I had already decided I wasn't worth it-- that there wasn't anything worth fixing in the first place.
And now, here I stand. Not perfect, not done, not 100% by any means... but rebuilt nonetheless. Stronger. Smarter. Without shame. Without Guilt. WIthout the burdens of the things that tore me down to begin with.
In therapy tonight we talked about how striking the difference is in me these days. And we talked about Mr. Deep Freeze (I have a few photos left of my abuser... snapshots from years and years ago... and they are currently sitting in an envelope in the freezer of SuperTherapists's small drink fridge in her office). We talked about Mr. Deep Freeze and how I have actually finally once and for all: released him. I don't carry him with me any more. I woke up one morning and he was gone. No longer a weight around my heart, no longer a memory in my body, just... gone.
I'm free of him now.
Next month, when we meet again-- SuperTherapist and I will be burning those photos. Symbolic more than anything. Although I once thought I would have to destroy them to be free-- I know better now. I already AM free. I am together, in myself. Finally.
I know there are going to be challenges. Physical intimacy is not going to be an easy hurdle, I know that. There is a whole slew of body memory that has to be re-written someday. But it will be. Because he has no hold over me anymore. He is the reason I fell apart... but I built myself back up without him. He is no longer a piece of who I am. And never will be again.
I did it.
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