Personal Post



Could this day get any worse? Yes it most definitely could. There has by no measure been a disaster. It has been a normal day. Why I can close my eyes and just let my mind wonder in the most methodical of ways as to a dozen or more ways that could make this day worse. It has not been a dreadful day. I have just allowed the small rudimentary happenings to burrow under my skin, where they are now free to fester and breed, spreading through out my body like a poison. I seek perfection in near everyone and everything around me. It's a flawed perspective, and when it counts on me, I tend to find myself wanting.

Gravy always closes her posts with a witty little quote "Challenge life, don't let life challenge you." I like that. It sounds mean. It sounds like something Henry Rollins had said once. "When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade...No. When life hands you a lemon, say, Oh yeah, I like that, ya' got anymore?" It's the sort of thing that makes me grin, and consider breaking things as to better display my powerfully liberated masculinity. It says we are all mighty, and that anyone or anything that dare challenge us need best take heed, for there will be displays of resistance the likes of which this world has never seen. It says to me, if your not on the bus, it's because you were to busy feeling insecure and sorry for yourself.

...I think I missed the bus today, and now I'm down here pouting about it.

Life is most certainly challenging me right now. I think it's winning and that's really starting to piss me off. I don't like losing. I can usually be a team player right up until the team starts to lose. When that happens I start getting a whole heap load of thoughts in the not so friendly like direction. I don't like getting a thought in my head that leads me to a road block I can't seem to find my way around. Life is full of road blocks. Life is a giant road block. Most of the time you spend your day knocking them down. Once and awhile you run across one or two that refuse to founder. I don't like road blocks I can't knock down. I see them as little more then poorly assembled saw horses that have been spray painted yellow and adorned with black and yellow caution tape. They seem frail, and should at my behest, topple with little more then a swift boot heel to the top beam. These sorts of road blocks should be weak to me. They should be, I mean they are little more then home made saw horses for crying out loud, and poorly assembled one's at that. They are poorly assembled, and the nails are rusty, I am stout flesh and blood, time tested and proven worthy of the meager challenge. But for some reason, when it seems my day has finally gone tot and my ego has inflated to it's zenith, life is ready to deliver. The first couple of times that I kick the spray painted saw horses, they don't always fall down. Then I get mad, doing my best to insure that all around me know I am a man by throwing convention out the window, and in stead replacing common rationale with a good temper tantrum.

I have to step back and reconsider my current echelon of thinking. It isn't that the road block can't be conquered, I just can't figure out how to conquer it, and that merely suggests that I am inadequate.

Inadequacy suggests I am ill prepared. Ill preparedness suggests a lack of planning. A lack of planning suggests I've not only missed the bus, but I have also forgotten the money to pay my fare had I actually been on time. None of this settles well with me.

I don't want to challenge life anymore, I'm sick of challenging life. It's to sneaky. Pose a challenge and after a time or two, it will catch on and out smart you. No, forget challenge's, I want to grab life by the shirt collar and repeatedly pound the side of it's skull with my fist, all the while shouting "Submit!

I don't like feeling inadequate, I don't like missing the bus, and I sure as heck don't like the dinky little yellow spray painted saw horse road blocks that I can't seem to figure out how to knock down. I've already gotten further in life then I'd figured I ever would, and I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, excepting what I have before me like I was little Oliver Twist asking "Please, more soup sir." The way things are right, the way the world revolves around me, and the way in which I perceive it, while more then what I figured I was my worth, are now not good enough. They are inadequate for me. I need a new plan. I need a bigger boot. I need to get my hands on life's shirt collar. I need to make life feel inadequate.

No, I won't be weeping long...


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