JPG Magazine: Stories: Photo Essay: Lost Girl Found in New York City

Lost Girl Found in New York City

By Natalie S

3 March 2008

I'm not a city girl. In fact I avoid it altogether. I don't like the uncertainty of being out of my comfort zone. I have visited New York City less than five times in my life (and I've been on the verge of 40 years old for a couple of years now). I've always enjoyed my visit there, but felt somewhat apprehensive the entire time.

The last time I was there was with two of my children and my husband to see "The Lion King". It was the summer after 9-11. We never ventured downtown as I just felt it was too soon for myself and just too hard to be there. It was my children's first time and I felt compelled to get them there at least once so they could see the "big city". After the show we took them to the top of the Empire State Building. I was on edge, still waiting for the "other shoe to drop". I was tremendously relieved when we were on our way home, yet sad at my inability to relax and thoroughly enjoy my surroundings. It would be six more years before I returned.

My cousin got married on February 9th of this year at "Cipriani's" in New York City. My aunt put us up for the weekend - from Friday night through Sunday. I was excited but nervous - we would be spending two nights there, and, we were leaving my children home this time. I brought my camera, intending to just take quick photos of whatever wine we drank for our wine blog. Interestingly enough, I came home with no wine photos but plenty of city photos.

I am not a photographer. I don't have a fancy camera. I don't know what I'm doing. (I never even realized that I could control the resolution with my camera - all of my photos were taken at a low quality setting.) But walking through Manhattan, something took me over and I just let it lead me. My poor husband wanted to hit the subway and go downtown and I just kept stopping saying "Wait! Let me just get a shot of this" or "Look at that building, I've got to get a shot of that." It was fun. I found myself relaxing for the first time in Manhattan. Not only that, I ventured downtown with my husband. We visisted the World Trade Center Tribute. I saw so many people together with purpose, visiting in peace. I realized that though there is sadness that will always remain, New York has not lost its substance. It is all contained within.

When we returned from our weekend and I downloaded my photos, I was elated to discover that some of the feeling I felt looking at historical settings amidst modern architecture was captured. Not only that, but friends and family commented that they were impressed with some of the photos taken. I felt a door that had been closed for far too long suddenly unlock and the knob turned open.

As a young child, I loved to draw. I could draw for hours - dogs, cats, horses, girls my age in bell-bottomed jeans with iron-on peace sign patches and big sunny flowers. Then around age twelve, I kept drawing the horses and added drawing the faces of famous people I liked - I drew Marilyn Monroe over and over until I perfected her face. I also played the piano for seven years and continued to play after my private lessons ended. Then at sixteen, I got a part-time job after school, then I graduated from high school, went to college and pretty much never drew or played the piano at all. Then I got a job, got married, had children, began working again and never found time to draw, or take a painting class, or even play the piano anymore. Though I fully intended to do so "one of these days". Basically, I found myself to be where I am right now - tired and creativity-starved. Only I didn't really realize it until recently.

My children love to draw. They can draw for hours. My oldest draws horses over and over and draws her favorite cartoon characters repeatedly. She has taken books out of the library on drawing techniques and she joined art club at school. My middle child can draw for hours too, and she loves to write stories. She also plays the piano and writes her own music from her head. My little one can draw for hours and color. She likes to cut out shapes and glue them together into pictures. I have marvelled at their seemingly innate abilities, wondering where they get their talent. Then I think of my grandmother, their great-grandmother, still alive and well but her senses are not as pronounced as they once were. It's been awhile since I've seen a recent watercolor. Her paintbrush has been resting for too long now. She can't see as well as she used to and she's too frustrated at times to try to go through the painstaking motions of setting up to paint. Her hands don't work as well as her mind. Watching my children nurture their creativity and watching my grandmother come to terms with letting hers go, has made me realize that life is just too short to wait for "one of these days".

Visiting New York awakened me to just how precious life is and how important it is to pay attention to what lies within us. Although I found so many buildings breathtaking, I had a special affinity for Trinity Church and you will find three views of this beautiful church here. I was struck with it's old world beauty set against modern times looming around it. I walked all the way around it in awe. I really didn't want to leave it. There it was, set in the state-of-the-art architecture of the new modern world, existing in all its old glory without ever losing a bit of its substance - it is all contained within. It dawned on me in that place, by that particular church, that I had never really lost the young girl within who loved to draw for hours. She's still here in all of her substance. And part of her grandmother is within her. And part of herself is within her children. It is all still contained within.