To Shoot or not to Shoot? That is the Question!
By James Houck
20 March 2007
Tampa Bay, Florida, USA
On January 9, 2006, I received a call from my oldest son, Adam, letting me know that he and his girlfriend (now wife), Amber, were on the way to the local community hospital for the birth of my first grandchild. It was a "routine" situation and I decided to stay home to do something that was so important that, as I write this, I have no idea what it was. I received several updates before that fateful call in which my wife said "You need to come down here, NOW!" Madison had complications at birth and was in very critical condition. I would find out later that during the birthing process, Madison took a deep breath and held it as Amber "pushed" and this caused one of her tiny lungs to burst. The result was immediate, life threatening injuries.
Working in law enforcement, as I have done for more then 25 years, has a tendency to harden you and consequently, not much gets to me. As I drive to the hospital I start to think of my transition from one job to another. I have been an amateur photographer for more then 35 years and have been shooting on a part-time professional basis for more then five years. With less then two years to go as a police officer the transition has been fairly smooth. As I start to leave my first career behind and embark on this new path, I decided that I would try to be more compassionate in the things I do. A lifetime of death and destruction tends to harden you to the plight of others. Never did I believe that one of my first challenges during this transition would involve a member of my own family. As a police officer you are required to walk into any situation, end the chaos, deescalate any volatile situations and then maintain control until the crisis has passed. This is not much different then being a professional photographer. We do the same at weddings and other events there are just less bullets and blood. When a bride thinks her world is falling apart on what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life, she often turns to the hired gun to make everything come together.
Although I try to never leave the house without my camera equipment, I had it stored in the car, so I would be prepared when the happy day arrived. I got to the hospital within 20 minutes of the call and found myself numb as I walked into the waiting area of the maternity ward. I saw my oldest son Adam with his face pressed against the glass of the pediatric ICU. The blinds were drawn but he was intent on grasping any flash of activity in the room. Nurses, doctors and technicians were rushing in and out and the only updates we were getting were the standard "We are doing everything we can." and "She is a very sick little girl." Amber who had just given birth was amazing in the way she put her pain aside and was trying to keep everyone calm and focused. It was about this time that we were advised that a chest tube had been inserted and that Madison was not improving. It was time to move her from the local community hospital to the closest Level 1 Trauma Center in our area. Less then a few hours old, Madison was about to take her first helicopter ride 40 miles east to Tampa General Hospital.
At some point it was suggested that I may want to get my camera and get some photographs of the baby. I spoke to Adam and Amber about how they would feel about me documenting this dreadful day and they reluctantly agreed. My problem was that I didn't know how to do it. Normally, when making photographs, I am on auto pilot and snapping away without becoming involved in the emotions of the event. If you are emotional, you may miss something that you never get an option to photograph again. Obviously there was no way to do this without being emotional so it also became a learning experience for me.
I went to the car and grabbed the needed equipment. As I walked into the hospital I started to notice people were looking and smiling. It seems they knew that I was going to capture the arrival of someone who was very special to me. It was the maternity wing and nothing bad happens in the maternity wing. Although there was no way these people could have known, I was now self conscious and very aware of the people around me.
As I got back to the Pediatric ICU, I tried to get into my professional photographer mode and just start documenting what was happening. As I snapped away I could feel that I was losing some of the stress that I was feeling. I was doing something I loved and it gave me an escape. I also started to notice that everyone, including Adam and Amber, seemed self conscious, almost upset, with what I was doing. Was it them or was it me? Did they actually feel this? Was it me finally realizing that capturing these events is an invasion into some very personal and private moments? For the first time in my memory I was not in control of the environment I was in. What a rude awakening. Being the "consummate professional", I continued making photograph after photograph.
It wasn't long afterward that the entire family was called into the ICU and advised that the air ambulance was en route and that Madison would soon be on her way to a hospital that was better equipped to handle her crisis. I could hear the rotor blades as the helicopter arrived and soon the flight paramedics were on the floor. Madison was enclosed in a clear plastic incubator that had more wires, tubes and monitors then I think I had every seen in one place. As soon as Adam and Amber had finished signing the releases for her transfer, Madison was off to take her first flight.
I soon found myself at the helipad where I could see the flight crew with the fully equipped bassinette in tow, approach the helicopter. As the pilot prepared the craft for the 20 minute flight, I again found myself reverting back to my training and snapping away as if I had no investment in this little excursion. As the flight left the pad I was able to capture the face of the man who was flying her to a better chance of survival.
The 60 minute drive to Tampa General Hospital seemed like it took forever. When we arrived, for the first time we were given some optimistic but cautious news. If Madison stayed as strong and determined as she has been in her first hours then she would likely survive her ordeal.
As the days went by, progress was slow but consistent. We were washing and scrubbing our arms and hands raw in order to see the improvement for ourselves. Cameras were reluctantly allowed and I took advantage of it and was able to capture some touching moments. As Madison improved, the job got easier and was soon a regular event. On day three we were present as a young mother was brought in to see her dying baby for the last time. Her son passed while we were there. It was a very emotional time for everyone on the floor and although I thought about it, I found it impossible to invade her privacy. After all, I wasn't a photojournalist on an assignment; I was a grandfather with a camera. I was upset with myself for even thinking about it. I could only think about how bad I felt that she was not as blessed as we were. She was leaving with an emptiness that could only remain with her forever. Strangely, I somehow felt guilty about our improving circumstances.
Finally, after 14 days of slow progress, Madison was released from the hospital and able to go home for the first time. She had to be closely watched due to her breathing problems but has remained free of the emergency room since.
Now to answer the question posed in the title.
Long after the initial question was posed by me, to me, I think the answer is evident. If you ask me if it was right for me to document Madison's birth and subsequent complications, then the answer is a resounding yes, but only because it was my family and it was my finger on the trigger. To not capture these intimate and very poignant moments would be a disservice to what photography is all about. Now I say this with the full knowledge that my situation had a happy ending. I am convinced that my answer would be different if my ending was different. I chose not to document the parent who lost her child. Maybe that was because of my emotional involvement with my family situation at the time and maybe it was just because it was the right thing to do. The final say comes from my son Adam and his wife Amber. At the moment, Adam was not happy with my choice to document what was happening. He only tolerated it because I was his father. If I was a stranger then he assures me that there would have been another ICU patient. In the months after Madison's hospitalization and release Adam found the photographs disturbing and I realized that there was still an open wound that made it difficult for him to look. Now that more then a year has passed, Adam takes a little bit of a different view. He realizes that this is part of her life and there will now be a visual record she becomes a young woman and is told about her troublesome start. Amber thinks that the right decision was made from the beginning and has no problem with the entire event and how it unfolded.
I know most of you were expecting a definitive answer. Something you could blame on me if it wasn't received well and conversely, something you could take credit for when you have captured moments that would be lost if not for you and your talent. Reality dictates that you be nothing more then a decent human being when confronted with this type of a situation. Use common sense, compassion, consideration and kindness for you fellow human beings. Your relationship with the subjects of your work means everything, especially in a non-public setting. The only thing I would do different would be to take more time to gain my sons understanding and his insight before I broke out the camera pushed the button.
Finally, as photographers most of us have been asked to capture those moments on the day of a child's birth. Reality dictates that very few of us will ever run into complications during those shoots. When it does happen, plan now for what your course of action will be. Then be prepared to throw it all out the window and do whats right at the time.
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